3 Balloons

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3 B a l l o o n s ( 2 0 0 9 )

T h e U n o f f i c i a l O n l i n e G u i t a r C h o r d s

D R A K E B E L L

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+--------------------------PLEASE NOTE--------------------------+

+ This file is the work of Jordan Lapping and represents his +

+ transcription of the album. You may only use this file for +

+ private study, scholarship, or research. The contents may not +

+ be duplicated for use with other websites without written +

+ permission. Thank you for understanding. Enjoy. +

+---------------------------------------------------------------+

ARTIST: Stephen Lynch

ALBUM: 3 Balloons (2009)

GERNE: Comedy

SONGS:

1. Waiting

2. Fishin' Hole

3. Dear Diary 1

4. Crazy Peanuts

5. 3 Balloons

6. Dear Diary 2

7. Medieval Bush

8. A History Lesson

9. Dear Diary 3

10. You (Prettier Than)

11. The Ballad of Scarface

12. America

13. Dear Diary 4

14. Hallelujah

15. [BONUS] Newer Dear Diary Entires

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H o w T o R e a d T h i s G u i d e

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When reading online chords, certain questions may often spring to mind, such as: "How many strums

do I do here?" or "What is the pattern there, when should I switch chord?" Similarly, with online

tabs they aren't often very accurate; or don't show clearly how this is synchronized to the lyrics

of the track. This can be a pain for those learning, and I myself have suffered from it before.

To eliminate this problem, I've tried my very best to show both chords and tabs for each song. Take,

for example, this randomly put-together riff:

=========================================================

La la la la la, da da da da da

La la la la la, daa.....

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In this way, the above indicates how many times the chord is strummed, and the

"lyrics" below indicate

when the chord is changed. Similarly, you can see that the E is written

differently to the former,

which indicates a slow, singular strum (then letting it ring). Finally, the Em

tabbed at the end shows

a short picked chord followed by another slow, singular strum (again letting it ring).

Thus, the reader should be able to sufficiently and successfully identify how to fit the given

information together. This now hopefully leaves no stone unturned, and enables you

all to understand

how to read this guide. With this said, it may be useful for you to understand the following

techniques used in this guide:

(h) = hammer-on

(p) = pull-off

(/) = slide

(~) = let it ring

(x) = muted strings

N/C = No Chord

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1. W a i t i n g

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Tabbed by Jordan Lapping

Tuning: E (Standard)

INTRO:

VERSE 1:

It’s out of my hands and all I can do it wait

It’s the not knowing that has put me in this state

The minutes feel like hours, the tension is too great

I’ve done my part so now it’s in the hands of fate...

CHORUS 1:

Waiting for my AIDS test to come back

I shouldn’t have fucked that prostitute without a prophylactic

Waiting for my AIDS test to come back

Regret is dripping from me like my semen down her crack

And now I wait…

TRANSITION 1:

VERSE 2:

My nerves - they have been frayed, my pants - they have been shat

I know the nurse will say, “It’s time to have a chat”

At least I’ll never worry about getting fat

N/C

I should think positive – no, wait! I didn’t say that!

CHORUS 2:

Waiting for my AIDS test to come back

I never should have blown the tranny in my Cadillac

Waiting for my AIDS test to come back

I just had to taste that sweet, forbidden nectar from his sack

And now I wait…

TRANSITION 2:

VERSE 3:

Is it over, will my jersey be retired?

Will my name stitched upon a quilt be required?

Did I make a difference, was my life inspired?

N/C

Will Denzel Washington defend me when I’m fired?

CHORUS 3:

Waiting for my AIDS test to come back

Eating assholes shouldn’t be an aphrodisiac

Waiting for my AIDS test to come back

If I’m clean I swear to God I will stop shooting smack... probably

PRE-BRIDGE:

BRIDGE:

Boys and girls, don't be naïve

Take it from your Uncle Steve

AIDS cares not whom it affects

Caught from unprotected sex

Sharing needles, blood or spit

Or piss or semen, even shit

From handshakes, sneezes, toilet seats

From 'monkey bites' and uncooked meats

From dirty coins and dreadlocked hair

From certain children in daycare

Drinking water, breathing air

I tell you, AIDS is everywhere

PRE-OUTRO:

Oh God! I can't take anymore

I think I'll run right out that door

But wait - the nurse comes straightaway

Tell me, what does my test say...?

OUTRO:

I’m okay! I’m okay!

It’s just chlamydia...

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2. F i s h i n ' H o l e

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Tabbed by Jordan Lapping

Tuning: E (Standard)

VERSE 1:

Wanted to have some quality time with my son

So I brought him down to the fishin' hole

He didn't like the feelin' of that worm in his hand

Got mad - threw down his fishin' pole

VERSE 2:

I said, "That's alright, son. Let's go and get an ice cream"

"Let your old man buy you a treat"

But he didn't like no flavours up upon that wall

Started crying, and ran into the street...

CHORUS 1:

He's an asshole, my kid's an asshole

I swear he just don't float my boat

Always crying, always crying

Make me wanna punch him in his little throat

VERSE 3:

I called my lady up to tell her what had happened

How our son had run away

She said, "Don't worry, baby. I will talk to him"

"And everything will be okay"

CHORUS 2:

My lady's an asshole, she's an asshole

Her assholishness is off the charts

Always perfect, always perfect

Make me wanna punch her in her lady-parts

PRE-VERSE:

VERSE 4:

I decided I'd go down to the bar

And drown my sorrows in a beer

But the sign outside said 'Closed For Renovations'

'We'll open up again next year'...

CHORUS 3:

That bar is an asshole, it's an asshole

Oh, the worst bar in the land

Always closing, always closing

Can't punch a bar, 'cause you'll hurt your hand

PRE-VERSE:

VERSE 5:

I went home to forget about my troubles

Sat down in my favourite easy chair

But I couldn't relax for the pain I was feeling

As my hemorrhoid began to flair...

CHORUS 4:

My asshole's an asshole, a real butthole

Needs to put his asshole-self in check

Always burning, always itching

Make me wanna punch him in his asshole neck

PRE-BRIDGE:

BRIDGE:

Late one night, lying awake in bed

Mmmm, a realization came

Are there really assholes everywhere I look

Or am I the one to blame?

Maybe I just do not say the things I should say

And I don't do the things I ought

So I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror

And this is what I thought...

CHORUS 5:

N/C

The guy who sold me this mirror's

An asshole, he's an asshole

Son of a bitch said it was antique

He was lying, he was lying

Make me wanna punch him in his salesman cheek

OUTRO:

I'm on a real asshole streak

I could open up an asshole bootique

I think this song has reached its peak

Goodbye, you asshole, see you next week

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3. D e a r D i a r y 1

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Tabbed by Jordan Lapping

Tuning: E (Standard)

INTRO:

VERSE:

Dear Diary - today was a good day

Papa and I picked wild flowers

Mama joined and we lay in the sunshine

Then we sang and danced for hours

I know tomorrow will be even better

So the good Lord I thank

I'll write more later. Love,

N/C

Anne Frank

OUTRO:

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4. C r a z y P e a n u t s

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Tabbed by Jordan Lapping

Tuning: E (Standard)

INTRO:

VERSE 1:

Charlie Brown had a big blockhead, wore a stripey sweater every day

Tried to kick that football, but Lucy always pulled the motherfucker away

He flew a kite just to try to relax, but he always put that shit in a tree

And the little red-headed girl wouldn't give no play to poor Chuck B.

They were the baddest fuckers in the funny papers - PEANUTS!

VERSE 2:

(Ah-oh) Onto a security blanket, Linus Van Pelt would latch (Ah-oh)

He snuggled into that bitch to keep warm while waiting in a pumpkin patch (Ah-oh)

Had a stalker named Sally Brown - well, she always tried to get her some (Ah-oh)

She loved the way he knew the meaning of Christmas and the sexy way he sucked that thumb

Well, watch out, 'cause here they come... PEANUTS!

CHORUS 1:

Oh Peanuts! Crazy Peanuts!

A bunch of kids trying to be free

Take my hand and let's dance now

Under Charlie's shitty Christmas Tree

VERSE 3:

(Ah-oh) Oh, Marcie was best friends with 'Patty', 'Patty Peppermint' (Ah-oh)

She would love to do things to that girl that Charles M. Schulz can't print (Ah-oh)

Pigpen was a dusty dude who couldn't keep his own ass clean (Ah-oh)

All the teachers said "Wa wa wa wa wa wa" - what does that shit mean?

Well, watch out, 'cause here they come... PEANUTS!

CHORUS 2:

Oh Peanuts! Crazy Peanuts!

Coming from The School of Hard Knocks

Life's not always bowls of candy

Sometimes you only get a bag of rocks

BRIDGE:

(Ah-oh) Lucy was a psychiatrist but her comments always gave offence (Ah-oh)

N/C

And the bitch couldn't make no money, 'cause she charged a motherfucker five cents

(Ah-oh) You know the ladies love some Schroeder 'cause he played the '88s real good (Ah-oh)

And Franklin was a real cool cat, but the only brother in that hood

Well, watch out, 'cause here they come... PEANUTS!

CHORUS 3:

Oh Peanuts! Crazy Peanuts!

Poor Charlie Brown, you will never get laid

It's so hard to get pussy

When you're the baldest kid in 2nd grade

OUTRO:

A|--5-55--777777--3-33--5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5--3/5-\1--|

Oh Peanuts! Crazy Peanuts!

A bunch of kids trying to be free

Take my hand and let's dance now

Under Charlie's shitty Christmas Tree...

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5. 3 B a l l o o n s

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Tabbed by Jordan Lapping

Tuning: E (Standard)

INTRO:

VERSE 1:

I call you from my car to say I'll be there in a while

A short plane ride and I will get to see your pretty smile

Nothing on the radio - I fiddle with the dial

Then I see a sign - the airport's just another mile

PRE-CHORUS 1:

I check my bags and think about how much I hate to fly

And as I near security, I almost start to cry...

CHORUS 1:

Well, I hope the Law Enforcement agents can't tell from my face

I got three balloons of coke in an uncomfortable place

I'm sweating and I'm nervous, and I need a little air

'Cause with four balloons of heroine, it's getting crowded up in there...

Crowded up in there...

TRANSITION 1:

VERSE 2:

My mind is all a-jumble and my blood is cold as ice

I dread the thought of having to unload this merchandise

"Relax", I say, "It's not so bad - it might feel kind of nice"

"Besides, who hasn't had a finger up there once or twice?"

PRE-CHORUS 2:

I must remember - don't leave any drugs inside the host

I did that once and a girl who tossed my salad overdosed

CHORUS 2:

Well, I say a little prayer - Hail Maria, Full of Grace

I've got three balloons of coke in an uncomfortable place

I'm sweating and I'm nervous, and I need a little air

And I swear I’m farting lines of blow into my underwear...

From the darriere...

PRE-BRIDGE:

BRIDGE:

I was a little eager when I loaded up my stash

Five balloons of extasy, and six balloons of hash

Eight balloons of L.S.D., and nine of sensi mild

A box of Chinese fireworks, Guatemalan child...

PRE-CHORUS 3:

I've made it to the gate now and my joy I can't contain

I board the aircraft; take my seat in the cockpit of the plane...

CHORUS 3:

As I taxi down the runway, I get a smile on my face

I've got three balloons of coke in an uncomfortable place

"Flight Crew, prepare for take-off as I lift us in the air"

And by the way, does anyone want to buy a Guatemalan child...

From my darriere?

OUTRO:

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6. D e a r D i a r y 2

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Tabbed by Jordan Lapping

Tuning: E (Standard)

INTRO: