I came crawling home last night like many nights before
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door
And she said you're not gonna do this anymore
She said I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here and you won't have to roam
We'll take out the dining room table and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign to point the way to our bathroom down the hall
She said just bring your Friday paycheck and I'll cash them
all right here
And I'll keep on tap for all your friends their favorite kinds
of beer
And for you I'll always keep in stock those soft aluminum cans
And when you're feeling macho you can crush them like a man
She said we'll rip out all the carpet and put sawdust on the floor
Serve hard boiled eggs and pretzels and I won't cook no more
There'll be Monday night football on T.V. above the bar
And a pay phone in the hallway when your friends can't find
their car
repeat #2
She said you'll get friendly service and for added atmosphere
I'll slip on something sexy and I'll cut it clear to here
Then you can slap my bottom every time you tell a joke
Just as long as you keep tipping well I'll laugh until
you're broke
She said instead of family quarrels we'll have a bar-room brawl
When the Hamms bear says its closing time you won't have
far to crawl
And when you run out of money you'll have me to thank
You can sleep it off next morning when I'm putting it in the bank
She said I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you can feel more at ease here and you won't have to roam
When you and your friends get off from work and have
a powerful thirst
There won't be any reason why you can't stop off here first