When I was six years old my sister Alyson
asked for a stove for her birthday
miniature one you could actually cook with
and my mom was nice and she bought one
Alyson needed a reason to bake something
barged in my room and she grabbed me, she said
I made a cake and we're going next door
to Sam Weinstein's and you're getting married
The cake was burned
it tasted gross
she made me kiss him
on the mouth
Now I am 33
unmarried happily
no plans in life and I'm planning to keep it that way
I do kissing with only one mission
Do you like to kiss then you have my permission
And I have already spent too much time
doing things I didn't want to
So if I just want to make out all the time
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to
When I was nine I was kind of a loser
the kids in my class didn't like me
Melanie Chow was the meanest of all
and my mom made me go to her party
Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
drawing with crayons on a napkin
a picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork
her legs getting eaten by lions
The cake was good
I took some home
I had a party
in my room
Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
but I go to bars all the time and I sit there
and order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
yes that's how I like it
And I've already spent too much time
doing things I didn't want to
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to
Yes I come here often
Sure I'll have another one
Yes I come here often
Sure I'll have another one
but I don't have to talk to you
When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art
I was clueless to what they were after
Now I'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
I don't make love now to make people love me
but I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic
and
When I was 25 I was a rock star
but it didn't pay too well I had to strip on the side
of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
baby they'd never know
what a bargain they'd gotten
and if I'm forgotten
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
and I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me
And I've already spent too much time
doing things I didn't want to
So if I want to drink alone
dressed like a pirate
or look like a dyke
or wear high heels and lipstick
or hide in a convent
or try to be mayor
or marry a writer
smoke crack and slash tires
make jokes you don't like
or paint ducks and retire
YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I'M GOING TO